


I'm still here (maybe I can love again)

by emonote



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst to Fluff, Car Accidents, Heavy Angst, M/M, Toxic Relationship, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27308665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emonote/pseuds/emonote
Summary: For Kenma it had always been Kuroo, he was the light of his life, his everything. The same could be said for high best friend since high school, Akaashi Keiji , for him at had always been Bokuto. The four were close, Bokuto and Kuroo being best friends and so both of their boyfriends became close as well. They were inseparable, barely a time where some combination of them were not hanging out. Whether it be Akaashi with Kenma and the other two together, each with their boyfriends (which was 90% of the time) or even Kenma and Akaashi spending time with each others boyfriends (which didn't happen unless it was about their boyfriend, like when it was Kuroo's birthday and he planned with Bokuto). When they were forced to be away from their boyfriends for a year, they became closer, finding comfort in each other, cuddling to subside the ever growing loneliness. It was always just platonic, both of their hearts belonging to another. They never saw each other in that light anyway, nothing more than close friends. But what were to happen if they both lost their lights? Their loves?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Kozume Kenma, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 6





	I'm still here (maybe I can love again)

**Author's Note:**

> Be aware that this is my first work on Ao3 and I am still very much getting my bearings. I don't think this will be any good but you know- we shall see.
> 
> By the way - this is nowhere near done and i will update as much as i can

Kozume Kenma, a sixteen year old second year Nekoma high school student, most saw him as awkward or shy. In all honesty he hated that title, that label. Though he had always hated labels, the jocks, the nerds. Why couldn't people simply be people? Rather than have their humanity stripped away, have their complex nature condensed into a few words. How could someone ever come to understand him if all he was known as was just 'the shy kid' or 'gamer boy'. He was so much more than that, there was more to him than anyone would ever know...well except one. Kuroo Tetsurou, the guy he had known for all his life. Kuroo was well...everything to him. He was one of the very few things Kenma was willing to label in his life, not only that he **wanted** a label on him, on them. While the two were a year apart in age, they never felt separated. They had a special relationship, one so unique sometimes Kenma swore they must be part of some story. I mean, it just made sense to him, no one could be as amazing as Kuroo and actually be real. But he was, Kuroo was, everything was real and it couldn't make him happier, even if he wasn't happy in that moment. 

Kenma sighed as he put down his ds, for the first time in an hour, reluctantly looking at the clock hanging on the plain wall of his room _Fuck...time to get ready for school_ he thought to himself. As he saw his reflection in the god forsaken full body mirror on his wall, a look of disgust crossing his face as he scanned over his frame. God how much Kenma hated it, the way he was so small, the way he has some curves, making him appear more feminine. Kenma hated it, he couldn't exactly say he hated himself, just his looks and his less desirable attributes but what could he do? He was him and the way he saw it, there way no point trying to change it. He knew Kuroo would reprimand him for feeling like this, thinking like this. Kuroo always complimented his looks, his body, everything about him. Honestly, Kenma could use one of his cheesy speeches in that moment. Normally they would irritate him, turning his face an annoying shade of pink, making him uncomfortably flustered. Normally he would go silent afterwards, letting himself melt into his friend's arms, that's what he wanted, what he needed. After far too long of overthinking, an inconvenient but unbreakable habit of his, he decided he should actually get his uniform on so he did. 

After he had haphazardly brushed his hair, just enough to look presentable, his phone rang and immediately he picked up. He didn't have to look at the caller ID, there was only one person who called him and there was only one person he really wanted to talk too. As he expected, the familiar sound of his best friend's voice rang through his phone as soon as his finger pressed the answer button.  
"Kenma Kenma Kenma, baby where are you? I'm all alone outside your house, it's so sad"  
a soft giggle escaped the pudding haired male's lips, not once thinking to stop it, he wa only talking to Kuroo afterall, he could be himself around him. Kenma couldn't see the other's face but from the 'aww' sound coming from his phone, he could tell he was doing his swooning 'you are so adorable i might die' face.  
"I'll be down in a minute you big softie"  
a happy hum could be heard before the line went silent, a small sigh at that. Sure he would see his cheesy best friend in a minute, two tops, but he couldn't help but to hate seeing their calls end, in fear it would be the last, though he knew it was beyond foolish to think like that.

Before Kenma could continue spiralling, as Kuroo knew he did, he heard his front door open and then the sound of a familiar voice shouting  
"Hurry up Ken Ken!"  
he rolled his eyes as he grabbed his bag and began to walk down the staircase, soon seeing the ever so annoying yet comforting sight if his best friend, looking at him with loving eyes as he rest against the banister.  
"you look like an idiot"  
Kuroo smiled wider at this, knowing it meant he looked cute. Sure it was a strange relationship but it worked for them. He had some qualms about there not being a label on what they were, no definition for what they were but Kenma knew no matter what he could and would always call Kuroo his best friend, he was always the one for him, it was always him.

"Heyy there's my favourite boy"  
Kuroo smiled at him, the same usual contagious smile which as always, spread to Kenma's face as well, though he thought, his smile would never be as endearing or as captivating as the other's. Though, whenever he voiced this he would be exposed to yet another one of Kuroo's loving speeches. As if the ravenette was reading his mind, which honestly wouldn't surprise Kenma, in his opinion there was almost no way Kuroo was actually a normal human, he kissed Kenma's head softly before staring into the familiar golden eyes with a loving gaze which made butterflies begin to flutter in his stomach.  
"I don't care what you say, your smile is so fucking beautiful. _you_ are so fucking beautiful. Honestly just seeing you makes me swoon and your adorable actions make it even worse. Don't you dare think anything different okay?"  
It was presented as a question but Kenma was well aware that it was anything but, he nodded a little before looking down a bit as he walked out of his house, standing outside the front door as he waited for Kuroo. It gave him a little time to try and get rid of his blush, though just as he was trying to think of anything but his best friend, he heard "Don't you dare try and hide that cute little blush from me"  
which off course just made it worse. Kenma let out a small sigh before glaring at him  
"shut up dumbass"  
Kuroo then joined him outside and locked Kenma's house for him, which was a common occurrence since he had a habit of forgetting and in the last year, had just become another part of their routine. Once the door was locked, he slipped the keys into his pocket and then smiled at Kenma, replying simply with a happy  
"love you too"  
which made Kenma's heart flutter. 

Sure they told each other that they loved each other but truthfully, Kenma couldn't tell if it was romantic or platonic on Kuroo's end, which did not bode well with his anxiety. That was the only thing about Kuroo that ever made him anxious, which was still weird for him. His best friend had always be the only thing that calmed his anxiety, the black haired male was his rock, his voice of reason in this cruel world. Kenma let out a small sigh in a futile attempt to try and push the worries out of his mind, though he knew that when he started worrying about something, he couldn't stop. Kuroo, knowing his companion like the back of his hand, could tell he was getting anxious by the tiniest little details. The way his eyebrows creased slightly, the slight downturn of his lips, the way they pursed just a little  
"Kenma what's wrong?"  
he questioned in soft voice, gentle and understanding. Kenma couldn't hide things from Kuroo, he hated it and it was way too much effort. Golden eyes focused on the ground as soft sigh escaping his lips which Kuroo knew was the other preparing himself  
"Take your time"  
he encouraged, _fuck what if he ruined it? What if what he was about to say you drive his best friend away? **No** Kuroo would never leave_  
"I was just...thinking about something"  
he nervously let his gaze meet Kuroo's, he could see the love, the understanding, there was no way he could just not tell him. His best friend never explicitly said it but he knew, when there was something bothering Kenma and he didn't tell him, it hurt Kuroo, it hurt him that he couldn't help the person whom he cared for most in the world.  
"I was..."  
his gaze once again met the floor, which in turn made his hand become held by familiar larger hands, making him feel safe and comforted. "I was thinking about what we are..and trying to figure out if you....loved me back"

Nervously he made himself look at Kuroo, so so scared of how his best friend would react and for a few seconds, he thought he was rightfully scared. That is before he felt himself be engulfed in a familiar, strong and warm embrace  
"Kenma of course I love you. Baby I love you so much. I'm so sorry I didn't make it clear enough that I love you romantically, I didn't want to rush you okay?"  
He looked down at the small boy in his arms, who had nuzzled comfortably into the warmth of Kuroo's chest. There was a small nod and a soft hum, which indicated to Kuroo that Kenma was happy, and more likely than anything hiding his face due to a blush.  
"I know you want to hide but can you please look at me for a couple of minutes it's important"  
at this Kenma nodded, taking a small step back and meeting Kuroo's gaze, golden eyes looking into dark brown ones, a soft smile appearing on his lips as he felt both of his hands being held by Kuroo's  
"Kenma, I don't want to pressure you, and it is totally okay if you don't want too that is totally okay and nothing between us will change but I've wanted to ask you for ages and I didn't know when and now I really want too"  
he sighed, collecting his thoughts a bit and calming his nerves, which caused Kenma to giggle softly  
"Kozume Kenma, kitten, will you be my boyfriend?"  
Kenma's cheeks became dusted with a light shade of pink as he nodded softly "of course Kuro"

The raven haired couldn't contain his excitement, a wide smile appeared on his face, grinning ear to ear as he picked up his _boyfriend_ and spun him around, Kenma's face was bright red and he couldn't help but smile too, not as big as Kuroo's but to the male in question, it lit up his heart. Kenma wasn't one for big shows of affection or feelings in general, so the tiniest little thing caused Kuroo's heart to flutter and made him blush, which to Kenma was easily the single cutest thing in the world. After Kenma's feet touched the ground again, his hand was soon taken a hold of by Kuroo  
"C'mon kitten, we can't be late. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to get into trouble for missing some of morning practice"  
Kenma laughed softly and rolled his eyes fondly  
"okay okay let's go Kuro"  
Kuroo smiled even more, if that was even possible, at the pet name, most would see it as Kenma not bothering but in actuality it was an adorable and cute gesture. It made him so happy, in that moment they were both so utterly happy. You would find it hard to see, Kuroo always wore his heart on his sleeve, quite the opposite to Kenma but he could tell. From the slight glimmer in his eyes which was normally only seen when he was playing a video game, and the way his thumb ever so barely caressed Kuroo's knuckle, he was happy. They were happy, and that morning was perfect, even though they had to spend the day doing schoolwork.

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Kenma's focus was on his switch, he couldn't be bothered to play anything else so he was just playing mario kart while his boyfriend of almost four months cuddled him. The two were in the blonde's bedroom, sitting on his bed. Kenma was situated between the other's legs with arms around his waist and Kuroo's head resting lightly on his shoulder, silently watching him play as to not distract him. This had been a common occurrence for years, before either even thought about them becoming a couple. Kenma had loved video games just about as long as he could remember, he always had his switch or ds with him and sometimes to his surprise, it didn't bother Kuroo one bit. While most reprimand him for not making eye contact while talking and instead playing, Kuroo knew no matter what he was listening, and even when he wasn't he didn't mind.

After Kenma won the cup he was playing he turned his switch off, placing it on his bedside table before changing how he was sitting, his right side now leaning against his boyfriend and his read resting on the other's chest. While he wouldn't admit it, he quite enjoyed to listening to Kuroo's heartbeat, it comforted him to know that for definite Kuroo was there with him, that his boyfriend wasn't going anywhere. He also quite loved hearing as it sped up, Kuroo always wore his heart on his sleeve but somehow it was always still surprising to Kenma, that he could make someone as cheesy as Kuroo become flustered and make his heart race.

After quite a while of just cuddling in comfortable silence, Kuroo spoke up, having an inkling that there was something on the blonde's mind  
"penny for your thoughts kitten?"  
this, as it always did, made a soft blush and smile appear on the pudding haired male's face. The soft pink hue dusting the fact of his beloved making Kuroo's heart flutter, as did the softness in his lover's tone, one which he knew no one else heard  
"I was just thinking...about you, us i suppose"  
The ravenette's interest was clearly peaked, one eyebrow becoming slightly cocked in curiosity "what about us baby?"  
"I'm not too sure, just us. How i still can't believe that out of everyone you love me and-" Kenma wasn't able to finish voicing his thoughts as a familiar pair of lips met his in a chaste yet loving kiss "i don't want you thinking like that okay? I love you so so much Kenma. You are the light of my fucking life. You are so amazing and so perfect. I am incredibly lucky that you'd ever even consider being my boyfriend. These last four months have been the best of my life and I know that the rest will be just as amazing. No matter what happens I will be here, with you. Forever"

_Yeah... **forever**_

Kenma smiled softly at his boyfriend before nuzzling into his chest, a soft and quiet purr the only thing that could be heard coming from the blonde. He only ever did this around Kuroo and he was the only one to know. The boy had always been envious of cats, on top of that with his anxiety and overall distaste for socialisation, as well as his sometimes physical struggle to sleep, he found non-verbal communication a lot easier. Perhaps, no, that's likely why he has little to no voluntary social interactions with anyone not Kuroo since he is the only one who knows all the cues. In public they are just small gestures but for affection when they are together, or perhaps in a loud place but attention is not on them, he will do cat-like cues which originated from when Kuroo first started calling him kitten. It was hardest of all for Kenma to verbalise his emotions towards Kuroo, the strength and magnitude making it a struggle at the best of times, though he did of course try for his boyfriend. In that way their relationship was always 50/50, though many did not see it that way. Most think, or assume that Kuroo makes all the sacrifices for Kenma, that he gives and his boyfriend does nothing but take. However this was far from the truth, Kenma simply did not see the point in advertising this. Akaashi and Bokuto has however previously commented on Kenma's compromises. On how he subjects himself to more uncomfortable situations for his boyfriend, how he began to hold hands with Kuroo in public, and kiss his cheek on double dates.

After a while of cuddling together, taking about everything and nothing at the same time, Kenma began to drift off and never would Kuroo ever disturb this. It was quite hard for Kenma to sleep and so whoever he seemed the tiniest bit tired, he was quickly whisper into bed and cuddled. And so the two fell asleep, who cares about plans anyways? This was so much better

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End file.
